That's what she said . . .

5 Things I want to say but never do:



1. You are killing yourself. It's tough to watch. If you don't care, though, I can't do anything about it.



2. Your "high and mighty" attitude irritates everyone. Personally, I am too afraid to tell you because I can only imagine the shit you will say about me if I make you angry. (Supposedly you are better than everyone else, but I missed that memo.)



3. You are one of the worst mothers I have ever met. You don't deserve those kids. More accurately, your kids don't deserve you.



4. I owe you way more than you think I do.



5. Your ego is so bloated that talking to you is a chore . . . an extra unpleasant one.

The short side of sane.

Monday:


What is going on here??







What happened to the guts on paper, stream of consciousness writing that I used to do?!







Have I become THAT concerned with offending people? God knows I have offended many . . . and He also knows that I never really cared before. Maybe I am growing up (although my behavior this past Friday would suggest otherwise), maybe I am becoming more sensitive.







That doesn't really seem to make sense either.







Really. Who AM I?







****





Tuesday:





A Wal-Mart collegue passed away yesterday.





She was one of the most amazing women I had ever met. She was always upbeat, optimistic and genuinely interested in the answer to whatever question she just asked you. She didn't do anything for the sake of being polite, she just was. She was an inspirational type of person. She had true heart and soul. She was one of the handful of people I missed and actually sought out during my subsquent, post employment visits. It is because of people like her, that I honestly hope there is a Heaven.







****

Wednesday:

Make it happen or make excuses.



(Practice was awesome. My whole body is sore today and I love it.)

“Simplicity is making the journey of this life with just baggage enough.”

I used to collect matchbooks. I realized the other day that I have NO idea why, because I hate using matches. I also keep batteries that have gone dead. Why, you ask? I have no clue.

Why do we hold onto things that will do us no good?

It seems to be a silly question sometimes. How true, though, that people hold onto things that just drag them down, both material and emotional.





Why am I holding onto those giant plastic star sunglasses? I will never use them. Maybe once for a silly picture, but that will be it. There are so many other things that I hold onto.



Animosity, old notebooks, useless souvenir trinkets, ratty t-shirts.

Eh, fuck that. I like my ratty t-shirts. I am keeping those. But the rest of this shit can go. The reminders of the broken promises that really don't matter, the memories that are nothing more than . . . well, they're nothing. I have so much useless shit in my possession that I can't possibly remember what it is all for. Perhaps I will have a drinking party, a party for one (maybe I will invite my inner demons as well) and EMOTE. (Thank you, Tim, for the suggestion.) I already know what I will wear to my party . . .

My big blue plastic star sunglasses. I will wear them with pride. And one last time, I will bitch, cry or laugh about all the things I have been holding on to that are actually dragging me down. I will look at the stupid rock collection I still have from the family vacation to the Grotto 20 years ago, I will read through the notes from friends I barely remember and carefully re-pack the notes from the friends that remain in my heart always. I will get rid of the reminders of bad relationships. I will just get rid of the stuff that means nothing. I will wear my favorite Nike t-shirt that is borderline see-through and has the old school Swoosh. Perhaps I will drink Old Milwaukee Light, just for old times sake.

I want to go through all these remnants of my past. Life is too damn short to spend so much time worrying about things that have already happened. I want to take the happy moments and move on to new ones. I need to make room in my life for the good stuff. If I don't make the room, or the TIME, the good shit won't happen. If I continue to spend so much energy and space on the past, the future has no place.

Plus, I have a really small apartment, and frankly, there is no where to put it all.



"Simplicity is making the journey of this life with just baggage enough."
~Charles Dudley Warner

Find your happy place

It seems as if I am just bored with life in general.

Every corner of my mind that I go to offers little to no comfort. I'm trying to make goals, but being a person who prefers instant gratification, goals often end up frustrating me. I cannot recall the last time I felt satisfied with life as a whole. There is always something more that I want.

How do you harness that feeling and turn it into determination? When you work for something that you can't be entirely sure is an option at the time you are finished, how do you keep working for it? Is that based on pure faith and hope? Because, if it is, I lack an essential quality there.

I'll give an example to clarify . . .
There is a certain degree that I want, a job I would absolutely LOVE to have. I am afraid to go back to school for fear no such job we be available in the area when I graduate. I really don't want to leave here, this is home, my family is here.


Oh my word . . .

I think I am having my mid-life crisis.

I always was an early bloomer.

I still think of you often.

Fourteen


How can we be sure of anything
the tide changes.
The wind that made the grain wave
gently yesterday-blows down
the trees tomorrow.
And the sea sends sailors crashing
on the rocks.
As easily as it guides them safely home.
I love the sea.
But it doesn't make me less afraid of it.
I love you.
but I'm not always sure of
what you are and how you feel.
I'd like to crawl behind your eyes and see me as you do.
Or climb through your mouth
and sit on every word that comes
up through your throat.
Maybe I could be sure then
maybe I could know
as it is- I hide beneath your frowns or worry when you laugh
too loud.
always sure a storm is rising.
~Author unknown

Each friend represents a world in us . . .

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish it's source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings."



~Anais Nin







Anais Nin quotes rock my socks. But how flippin' true, right? Everything I have loved and love no longer, is not necessarily because it was something that I actually DIDN'T love, but because I didn't know how to hold on to the love, how to make it stay.







It really coincides (for me) with "Time heals all wounds." If you are without something you love for long enough, the love will fade. (I guess to me this also indicates a natural death so that is confusing but there are exceptions to every rule.)







I suppose my hard and fast belief on this particular topic is that if the love is important, you will nurture it as best you can, you will work at it, you will fight for it. That's the tricky part, constantly working at it. You'll get in slumps, you will get distracted, you will lose interest. Perhaps you will be reminded, perhaps it will forever be forgotten.

Housekeeping

http://someone-had-to.livejournal.com/

Old blog.

Working on organizing my thoughts. Which would really work so much better if I stop having new ones.

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should

The Battlescar Galactica take the track for the first time tonight.

It will also be my first bout.

I have been overwhelmed with thoughts of derby for the last two days. Oh, who am I kidding, I have been thinking about it constantly since I got drafted. The only difference is that the derby dreams are increasing, the obsession over what I should eat to properly fuel my body is beginning, I drink less, I sleep more, I *contemplate* becoming a non-smoker.

It's consuming me. I joke about the fact that derby is taking over my life. While it is no joke, I don't mind it. I am sure that my family and friends mind somewhat. There are incredibly supportive. I have some 20+ people coming tonight to cheer me on (perhaps a few of them swayed by the promise of cheap beer.)

I cannot WAIT for this. I am kind of nervous. I know, at this point, my skill level is what it is. I am not going to magically become a better skater before the bout tonight. My nerves are based more upon making the people coming to see me proud.

I can hardly think straight, much less sit still. I wish this day would go faster.

amErica RULES.

I have heartburn.

Gotta get gone.

Eep.

I got drafted.

I am now on Battlescar Galactica for FM Derby Girls.

Things are moving at a breakneck pace and I can hardly catch my breath.


There is only one place I need to go . . . the pivot line.

See you on the track.

We are all just a work in progess

When I was younger I often got parts in the school play solely because I speak clearly and loudly. I can project well. I read in church from time to time, etc. Back then I used to think I wanted to be an actress. If only I could act . . .

Or can I?

It occurs to me that I often act like I know what I want. This is, of course, before I find out whatever it is that I seek actually entails. I have never been very good about doing my homework :/

I am a procrastinator, a gun-jumper, a fly-by-the-seat-of-her-pants kinda girl. And now that I am fully grasping the magnitude of my derby committment I am freaking out. It seems that committment in general might just freak me out. The only thing I have ever fully committed to by my own will was college. And admittedly, I faltered once or twice. But I made it nonetheless.

Typically I run scared. If I think I am going to fail at something, I hightail it in the other direction. I abandon all hope, often before hope is lost. This habit usually leaves ME feeling lost.

So, on a whim, in search of something active and social and not centered upon drinking I attended my first FM Derby Girls practice in late November of 2009. Couldn't skate to save my life, got nervous as hell when I felt I was going to fast. I thought that if I kept going and learned how to skate, everything would be just peachy.

Now, I know how to skate. But everything is not yet to the peachiness I need. I have been watching documentaries on roller derby and I am scared shitless. I wonder if I will ever reach the level of "greatness", if you will, to be the type of derby girl I want to be. Sure, determination is a large part of it. And I think I have enough of that. Skill is very important, and that obviously can be learned for the most part. What worries me is can I learn to have a brain for derby? Do I have the attention span and know-how to learn the strategy?

(Do I worry too much??)

The time committment alone worries me a little. I mean, practice three times a week plus open skate on Mondays to get my ankle strength back up. Ergh. I don't want to quit, I don't want to let anyone down. I have let too many people down in the past, including myself. I have to stay committed to this. I will stick with it.

Is what I have to offer good enough?

I don't need an ego stroke, but I can't think of many instances where I felt that what I had to offer was good enough. There is ALWAYS room for improvement. There is ALWAYS something better. I am replaceable. Someone will be there waiting to take my place.

I suppose there is nothing to be done about that really. All I can do is work on it. Constantly. Remind myself that there is always something to do better. Accept the constructive criticism, ASK for it if necessary.

I get too far into my own head sometimes.

My mind races with all my longings.

Risk by Anais Nin


And then the day came,

when the risk

to remain tight

in a bud

was more painful

than the risk

it took

to Blossom.











~What is WRONG with me? I give pretty good advice, yet I can't take it.



Random babble. Must be time for my annual freak out. Every year shit happens that just makes me feel like I need to get a grip. Ert da fruck?!



Maybe I really am crazy. I suppose that might be why I get so angry when people call me crazy. :o


I need some roller therapy.

Stomp on her crotch!!!

a total stranger one black day

a total stranger one black day
knocked living the hell out of me--

who found forgiveness hard because
my(as it happened)self he was

-but now that fiend and i are such
immortal friends the other's each
~e.e. cummings

I really am my own worst enemy sometimes.

With all it's sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful word.

There are times when I don't think of myself, although they do not occur often. There are times when I put others first, although the instances are few and far between. Generally I have noticed that when I look out for someone other than myself (children not included as they obviously cannot always fend for temselves) I get raked over the coals. And unfortunately in an effort to prevent that from happening I have made life less than pleasant for others.

There is one thing, and only one thing that allows me leave from conscious thought . . . I bet you can guess what it is :)

I went skating at the UP Center. I just put my iPod on shuffle and started skating around the halls. I think what I love about skating the most is there is absolutely no way that I can think about ANYTHING besides skating when I am doing it. It becomes the one and only thing on my mind. It's kind of like meditating, at least how I would imagine meditating. Listening to the sound of my wheels on the surface, practicing sticky 8s, seeing how far I can coast, etc.

I get so . . . zen . . . when I skate. Even when I am skating at a fever pitch to get all my laps in and my thighs are screaming and my side is aching, it's great.

I feel like such a nerd. I am a derby geek.

You know how sometimes you date those guys who would rather play video games than do something with you . . . well I identify with them now. In sort of a way. I am willing to give up family time and friend time (to a point anyway) because with derby, I get just as much back as I give. Always. Everytime. The amount of self-satisfaction I get from derby is directly proportional to the amount of effort I put into it. I skate for 4 hours, I get 4 days of sore hammies. See how that works?! Derby won't leave me, or hurt me (in a BAD way) or let me down.

Is it bad if I want to live my life simply? I want to do what makes me happy, stepping on as few toes in the process as possible. I want to believe that everything happens for a reason; everything including feelings and the craptastic things that happen. I want to believe that the things that happen lead me to or from people as I am supposed to be led. I want to embrace the fact that people, regardless of their awesomeness quotient, will not be able to remain in my life forever. I am growing increasingly comfortable with the idea of letting people out of my life if they have no desire to stay. As stuck up as it sounds (it's true and you know it) most of the time I have enough people making an effort to be in my life that I need not waste my time with those that cannot be bothered. It's wasted time to beg someone to be in your life. So I refuse to. But I think I am getting off topic here.




I want to enjoy the ride with whomever chooses to go with me.




Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.


Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.


Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

The Four Corners of . . . . Skateland

Today I sat in the doctor's office and I said, "What about skating?"

He looked a little puzzled. You could see in his eyes the moment he remembered that I played roller derby.

He said, "Yes, I suppose you can as long as you aren't experiencing pain."

I almost laughed out loud. It's the pain I miss most!! I WANT to feel that pain. I need that pain. That pain makes me forget everything else. That pain gives me something to look forward to; something to work toward.

The women that go through that pain with me, the ones that PUT me in that pain, they understand me in a way that no one else does. Like parents understand how other parents feel, my derby sisters know what I feel when I can't skate. They know the sheer, unabashed bliss I feel when I can. They know that I was thisclose to calling in "sick" to work today to go put my sweet neglected skates for the first time in 10 weeks.

I can hardly wait to have bumps and bruises and rink rash. They may hurt, but they are a testament to my determination. They are a badge of honor that proves I belong somewhere. I have found something worth the sweat. Ohmygod the sweat! Have you any idea what a roller rink with little air circulation full of 60 sweating women feels and smells like? Heaven and Apple Cinnamon. That's what.

Get yo' asses to a bout next year and watch us skate ours off.

Life is thickly sown with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them.

I am not trying to be a ninny here, but this is getting ridiculous. I want to skate. I want to work out. I want to MOVE MY BODY. I used to be such a lazy slug. And now that I get a free pass to basically do that, I can't stand it.





I don't want to whine. Hmm, yes I do. I want to whine at someone that I did too many crunches, or too many laps, too many elbow taps . . . WHATEVER. Too many SOMETHING. It totally sucks though that the "too many" I am actually doing is too many hours at work, too many steps taken.





I started working full time yesterday. (After two 30 hour work weeks.) I could barely move this morning. Seriously. When does it get better?? I am not good at waiting. I am a "I want it, and I want it NOW" type of person. Patience is not one of my virtues. I'd be hard-pressed to list any virtues right now, but that really is beside the point I guess.





Jealousy is starting to eat at me. All these women that get to skate . . . gr.



I mean . . . it HURTS. My ankle hurts so bad most of the time. I am insanely crabby. To the point where I can't even stand myself. Between the pain, Will not being home, my hormones all out of whack from the miscarriage yet and all the things I am trying to organize (Mom's birthday, my birthday, campouts in my yard, DJ for two Roller Derby events, Krista's baby shower, Will's homecoming, the Danielson lake trip) I could seriously strangle someone.



I don't know how to shake it off. I used to "work" it out at the gym . . . but noooooooooooooo. Good thing I don't like hard drugs. HAHAHAHaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Not funny???

Watch out for her dark side

I am starting to feel unsettled.

Ready to move.

Ready for a change.

Forward motion needed.

As fast as these silly crutches will allow.

Today I had to take some pain meds for the first time in almost two weeks. It feels like a giant step backward. (I am such a drama queen sometimes. Most times.)

I am getting so damn frustrated. This particular set-back isn't like those that I have experienced in the past. I cannot progress any faster than my body or my doctor will let me. There is no extra study time, overtime, extra practice. Now it's the waiting game. Even though I have been waiting 6 weeks to get my cast off, even though I have been waiting what feels like forever to feel like I belonged to something, to feel like I was on a team . . . these past two months have just dragged.

I can totally understand why some people can't comprehend this obsession. I don't comprehend the obsession most of the time. When I am out and about I look at sidewalks and try to decide if they are good to skate on, making mental notes of big, clean parking lots.

What has happened to me?

Sometimes I just get overwhelmed with all the things going on or the memories of all the things that have gone on and I have no outlet. Yeah, I know, POOR ME. Boohoo. But when I sit there and just need some sort of release for the frustration and anger and feelings of loss, I can't help but think about how I have also lost my ablilty to get that release. I always exercised when I was stressed. And the thing I loved about skating was that it required more thought than the elliptical machine or reverse crunches so it REALLY took my mind off things I couldn't change.

UGH.

I can't wait to go back to work next week.

You can feel her madness

Thursday I start working with my personal trainer. I do not care what it costs, I will go back to derby. I need to do it. If for no other reason that to accomplish one more thing. Know that I am NOT quitter. And, frankly, because I want to.

I am not tired that much, but I am lethargic. This has to be in LARGE part to my complete lack of physical activity. My body is literally BEGGING for me to move. What's weird about that is when I was a kid I was SO lazy. I would pay my brother to change the channel on the TV. Or if I couldn't find the remote I just wouldn't watch it. I have become the kind of person that can't sit still. I get bored so easily. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate routine. I actually NEED it. But the physical and mental challenge that derby brings me just FITS.

I know that it is a long shot as to whether or not I can skate as a part of the team and I will ref if that is the only option. I hope that would be just as satisfying of a position. But I remember when I was working on my hitting skills and one of the stronger girls came in to hit me, I leaned into it and she looked a little shocked and told me how well I was doing. There has got to be some natural talent in me. Sure, the skating comes with practice, the strategy comes with studying the rules and the game. I can DO this. I can BE a good blocker. I WILL be a good blocker. This isn't the kind of thing where I am just going to work and see if it happens when I give my best, this is something that IS going to happen, I just can't say when. Especially now.

I know that I have a lot of work ahead of me. I have a long road to "full" recovery. Let's face it, my ankle will never be like it was. So I have to work twice as hard to get back to where I was AND better so that I might MIGHT be ready for tryouts. They are in July though. So I might not be.

I can't even think about that right now.

We might as well be strangers.

Isolation is . . . horrible. I have watched plenty of TV shows and movies where prisoners have been sent into solitary confinement and I just think to myself, "I would last a few days, TOPS."

I know that this is nothing like solitary confinement. I have TV, internet, a phone, books, etcetera to entertain me. But what entertains me most is human interaction. To bo honest, I have little of substance to say to anyone right now. NOTHING is new with me. Oh, wait, I take that back, I think my left calf has shrunk and my stomach HATES sugar free candy. There, now you know all that is new with me.

Last Thursday two of my girlfriends came out to get me for ladies night. Nearly the entire ride to town was silent. I feel like I have nothing to offer anymore. I sit at home and I obessess about roller derby and working out and the miscarriage. It's driving me insane. But is it? I mean, am I REALLY going insane if I KNOW it?

I am getting really tired of people asking me how I am doing and the only reply I have is, "Things have been worse." Make no mistake, I appreciate the outpouring of support from everyone around me. Things really have been worse. But I still can't shake this unsettled, restless feeling, the NEED for something to take my mind off this particular . . . what is this? IS this going to be two months of hell? Is is going to be through the summer? Is it going to be the whole year? How much should I prepare for? Yes, YES, take it one day at a time. I GET IT. But when your days stretch out so long you just wish you could sleep through it . . . that little bit of advice makes you want to scream.

In ONE stupid instant I lost roller derby.

All I could think about in the hospital, besides derby, was that I was very early in my pregnancy. The doctors, X-ray techs, anesthesiologists were all taking all the necessary precautions.

Five days later I lost the baby.

In the course of that week (I had only found out about being pregnant on the 7th and had miscarried by the 15th) I had grown very excited. Told my boyfriend, my parents, many friends. (I probably wouldn't have told as many people had it not been for the surgery on my ankle.) My boyfriend was already calling it "Lil Bugger" and I was browsing baby books with my mom. But I found myself in the ER for the second time in a week. This time the doctor telling me that my uterus was empty. That was EXACTLY what he said to me.

Empty uterus.

Empty.

Five minutes later the nurse blathered on and on about how easy it is to get pregnant again. She told me her story of miscarriage. I was numb. I was neither angry with her for discussing it, nor was I hopeful. I wanted her to go away. I wanted everything to go the FUCK away.

Now I had lost a baby and roller derby.

And while I have truly amazing parents, incredible friends and an amazingly supportive boyfriend, all I could think about was what I didn't have. Even though this might be the most depressed I have ever felt (besides the teenage years, but does anything ever compare to those?!) things still have been worse.

I am trying to focus on the positive. It's a struggle though. Will's return is still 10 weeks away. I won't be able to get back on skates until early August probably, if that even. I know that the solitude out here, the quiet of a small town is just allowing me to think too much.

When people comment on how well I am coping, I point out that with my luck I can't really afford to dwell. I need to mentally prepare for the next unfortunate event. I say it in a joking way. It's true though, and I mean that in a fairly light-hearted way.

This one is hard though. I can't even verbalize it. This is my pity party. (Jackie, if you read this, I promise to only have one.)

I was trying to explain to one of my friends the other day, after telling him how much it sucks to hear people say "It could be worse", that I would have no trouble coping if it was one thing. If I could say, at least the baby is okay or at least I have Will at home to help. But no. I put on a brave face and a smile.

Most people are not equipped for the real answer to the question "How's it going?"
Everyone expects the standard "fine" or "good". Ergh. I am bugging myself. This is written so terribly, stupid damn drugs. Can't read without getting dizzy. Can form coherant sentences most of the time.

Time for more Sudoku I guess. Maybe some knitting.


**Please don't misunderstand. Please don't think it bothers me when you ask how I am. Just know that I really appreciate it, I just don't want to actually get into it. I just want to get better and eventually get back to being myself as you know me.

***I can also say I have grown so much closer to my mother. She held me while I cried in the ER, she held my hand, she read to me. She cooks and cleans for me. She helps me bathe. That woman is an angel on Earth. I could never dream up a proper thank you.

Thank you for your participation

I intended for this to be a blog about my "derby journey". It still is, really. As corny as it may sound, I am learning more from derby than just how to skate and take hits. I know I have said that before. Right now I am learning patience. Here is something I wrote two years ago when I was having a really tough time (all lessons still apply, especially the one about Tabasco):





Life has a funny way of teaching you things. So often my parents would try to tell me not to do this or that, and the only way I learned, was by not listening.



And I still don’t listen. Not entirely, I am getting much better. But I still learn better from the things I do on my own, whether I fail or succeed, than by doing what others tell me to do. These are a few of the things I have learned in the past year:



1) Pay attention to the weather channel, if it says rain, don’t wear sandals.

2) Not everyone can be trusted.

3) Not everyone is lying.

4) The hardest part of life may be knowing when to give up and when to try harder.

5) It is not fair to anyone when you don’t share how you feel. Whether the feelings are negative or positive, they matter. They might matter a whole lot more than you realize.

6) I am not as afraid of spiders as I thought I was.

7) I am still afraid of moths, though.

8) His name is not Tim.

9) If it seems like a good idea, do it. The only things I have ever regretted enough to want to change are: not saying it, not doing it, or not living up to my potential. And it is really the only way to figure out what does and does not work.

10) Just because you want it, doesn’t mean you’ll get it. But there’s a lot to be said for having tried.

11) FreeCell is the most addicting solitaire game on the planet.

12) Having feelings doesn’t make you weak. But it can make you look a little cuckoo if you let them take over.

13) Once you find a hair conditioner you like, they will almost certainly discontinue it. Stock up.

14) If you wear heels, don’t hook them on the rung around the bottom of your barstool, there’s a good chance you’ll fall off.

15) If it smells like MSG and it tastes like MSG, it must be MSG.

16) The book is almost always better than the movie.

17) Video games can be fun . . .in moderation. (I know! I was surprised to learn this as well. I’m still resisting Guitar Hero, though.)

18) Being afraid to do something is not an indication that it’s a bad idea. Just that different can be scary.

19) You should only feel bad about failing at something if you gave less than your best. Not everything was meant to be.

20) Everything is better with Tabasco. Except applesauce.

21) Don’t move too fast. I’ve heard the secret to a happy life is enjoying the ride.

22) Tell the people you love that you love them. Hug the people you care about. You never know when your last chance is until it’s already gone. You will most likely be sorry you missed that last chance. This goes for friends, parents, grandparents, siblings, significant others . . . not bosses though, that’s just weird. Buy them a mug or something.

23) If you’re upset and some guy that just got out of jail is sitting on your front steps, singing a song in his native language. Politely ask him to leave. Things only go downhill from there.

24) Charlie’s boat, Summer Shandy and Lake Cormorant might just be the best way to spend a Sunday afternoon. Unless you have to hang your butt in 50 degree water to pee. But really, that’s only a minor irritation.

25) Life is too short to worry about the people that have hurt us, the things that haven’t gone our way or the things we cannot change. You have two options: 1) put your big girl panties on and deal with it. Or, trust me, just pick the first one. Everyone will like you a LOT more that way.

26) You always had two more shots than you actually remember. And ANY shot at Dempsey’s always counts as two!

27) “I had a bad week” means the EXACT same thing to me as “I need to get hammered.” Just so you’re prepared next time.

28) Residents of Fargo can recycle one computer monitor per month.

29) Giving up on your dreams helps no one and hurts you the most.

30) Get in line for the Port-A-Potty at Ribfest as SOON as you buy your first beer.

31) Not everything goes according to plan. Which is probably one of the very few things you can count on to always be true.

32) Never underestimate the power of a kind and unexpected word. Or the power of a mean one for that matter. Most people actually have feelings.



So, anyway. I’m not sure that I really have a point. I rarely have a point and when I do, I am not the best at verbalizing it. Most of the time I just like to listen to myself talk. My whole intention here was to illustrate that once you realize that everything is unfolding as it was meant to, things are a lot easier to handle. People have to go through all that shit to appreciate the good stuff. I’m really bad at coming to grips with that though. In general, you could say that I am so afraid of feeling anything, that I often miss all that good stuff. I told my mom today that I am just as afraid of being in love or wanting something too badly as I am of getting hurt or failing. It’s the fact of not being in control of my emotions that really bothers me.



It’s the idea that other people can actually have an affect of me that irks me. And then she says



“Do you think that the fact you DON’T open up to people as much as you should has a negative effect? Maybe that is worse than getting hurt and by trying to protect yourself, you only do more damage?”



Oh.



Okay then.



Well, shit.

Live Fast . . . Die Pretty

So far the only thing I have stuck with that I didn't HAVE to was college. And I am SO proud of that, even if I am not using my degree as I wish I was.

Derby will be my next . . . conquest, if you will. Life seems to be getting the better of me. Between working two jobs, trying to see the kiddos, take care of the dog, take care of the house and, oh yeah, take care of me . . . I am getting pulled in a bunch of different directions.

I am going to MAKE derby fit. It HAS to fit. IT WILL FIT. I will not give this up.

I agree that I am a pretty selfish person, I work on not being that way. Believe me, it's a daily stuggle sometimes. I won't give derby up though because it is teaching me some great life lessons about getting up when you have been knocked down (literally and figuratively). It has taught me when I have a bad day, sometimes all I want is to get my ass kicked at practice. I want to do elbow taps until my abs seize and then I want to do cherry pickers. But it also teaches me that there are more important things like family and friends and silly animals that eat chocolate at really inopportune times. (Not that there is a GOOD time for dogs to eat chocolate.)

Derby gives me something to be proud of. There have only been TWO times since I started in November where I was mad when I left practice. And those two times I felt like I had given up. I hadn't given the 110% I know I can. I know that I am improving and it is the small victories that keep me coming back, not to mention the awesome AWESOME people and a GREAT reason to wear wicked shorts.

I can't WAIT to be where I want to be. . . but I will wait, no matter how long it takes.

Very truly yours,
amErica the Brutiful

Whip it real good!

Okay, so last week was "THE DRAFT" and . . .

I am not on a team :( . . . YET.

I did get to go out for one (okay, TWO) beers after practice on Thursday with some of my derby sisters. (After passing hip whips . . . FINALLY!) What's strange to me is that I won't wear regular shorts in public, but booty shorts with cherries on the ass and ripped up tights are a-ok at a BAR.

Don't worry, I haven't figured me out either.

Have not yet passed my skills. (STUPID HOPS!) BAH! Working on it.

I have been online shopping for outdoor wheels and bearings. Cannot wait skate around Oxbow!!

Softball starts in about a month. I'll have a few interesting weeks in there where softball and derby overlap. Derby Tuesdays/Thursdays + softball Wednesdays=SLEEPING Fridays.

Talk Derby to me.

I am not a victim of domestic abuse. I am a derby chick, much to the amusement of my doctor and her assistant this morning. They looked at my shins, glanced at each other and I immediately said,

"It's not what you think. I am in roller derby."

Throughout the entire visit I blathered on about . . . well . . . do I even need to tell you? They asked what my derby name was, where they can get tickets, etc. And when I winced in response to her telling me I needed a shot for the biopsy, she said,

"C'mon, it can't be worse than taking a hit, right?"

True.

As I was leaving the office the receptionist asked me if I was in derby (I am wearing my Derby Girls sweatshirt) and I stood there for another 5 minutes or so gushing, explaining that when I started derby I hadn't been on roller skates for about 13 years, told those ladies where to get tickets. PROMOTE PROMOTE PROMOTE.

I think I am in love. I must be.

That bruise is something to be proud of.

Alright. This is serious business. Last night at practice all the newbies (and those of us that are in-betweenies) had skills testing. I have to say, I did well at things I would do poorly and the things I expected to rock (STUPID HOPS!) I didn't get. At all.

Time to buckle down. And I know I have said it before, quit rolling your eyes. But, like I said, this is serious business. I was thisclose to passing one of my endurance tests (5 laps in one minute), I needed about 5 more seconds. And I got 20 laps in 5 minutes, which used to be the standard, but they changed it since I joined, so we will see if I pass or not. The jury is still out as to which rule I need to follow. I truly almost didn't make it through that five minutes. Derby stance the whole time . . . my back was screaming, my thighs were burning. I am so proud of myself for just finishing. Especially considering it was the very last thing we did at practice.

So after an hour and a half of taking hits, weaving through a pace line, practicing falls (let me tell 'ya that takes a lot out of you) I STILL got 20 laps in 5. Not ashamed or disappointed at all.

Rollin' with my homies.

Ergh! I want to skate. Something funky and unexplainable is going on with my right knee. Not the bruised one I mentioned earlier. I went out on Friday with a bunch of my friends. We tore up the dance floor. Saturday morning I couldn't straighten or bend my knee without pain. Not in the joint though, in the back of my knee.

So when I went to Skateland today during family skate I couldn't even move right. I am going to skate through it tomorrow. I don't really care. I will be absent NO MORE!

So much to do! Passport for the July bout, DUES!, entertainment e-mails, recruit DJ for May, halftime entertainment for May. YIKES!

Today made me really wish I had outdoor wheels and bearings. It was so nice out. No wind. Just find an empty parking lot and GO. I can NOT wait for summer.

Eat. Sleep. Drink. Skate.

Okay, so I don't do those four things in equal proportion.

But I am getting antsy. I am dreaming derby, talking derby all the time. Showing off my pathetic rink rash elbows but pretty darn fantastic bruised knee to ANYONE that will look, and even to people that don't give a hoot.

I google roller derby.

I asked one of my teammates to be my derby wife because I want one SO BAD. Don't get me wrong, I adore her . . . I just don't know if completely forgoing courtship is frowned upon :)

I breathe it, I preach it, I buy tickets for people. I talk about it CONSTANTLY.

and yet . . .

I am afraid to take whips and hits. I am afraid to block and pack skate. I am afraid of failing at something I want to do more than anything. This is the most I have EVER wanted ANYTHING. Unless you count how badly I wanted to marry Gavin Rossdale (Thanks a LOT Gwen!)

What really REALLY sold me is that when I told people about these worries . . . they push me. I told some of my teammates at practice that I was afraid to hurt someone in a jam (for my lack of experience) and they put me in the next one. I was afraid of blocking, they scooted me into a blocking drill.

These are my derby sisters. It may sound corny, but I have never been more proud of ANYTHING than this. I have never felt more like . . . a part of something, a teammate, an integral part of a group than this. I have, until now, been the type of person to stay down when I am knocked down and lick my wounds for far too long. Now I am doing the opposite. I do my best to get up as fast as I can, brush myself off, go again and tend to my wounds later. I am getting tougher. I can feel it.

Joining roller derby is probably the smartest thing I have ever done. Nah, THE smartest thing I have ever done.



Now I just need to get my ass to practice.

No rest for the wicked

The older I get the more attuned I am to others around me. I am, or used to be, a very oblivious person. I still am, to a certain degree. I would even venture to say "self-centered" although that is not always the case. I do what I can to take care and be aware of what is going on. But for the most part I tend to stay in my 'E-bubble'.

It's comfortable here. It's warm and cozy and quiet and relatively drama free.

Now that I have put myself out there with more people and I have started being true to myself there is more to . . . deal with. I can't just sit in the corner and fume about not getting my way. Now I have to face it. Now I have to be an adult about it.

Gone are the days when I could talk my way out of or into things. Now, more than ever I have to take what comes my way and just deal with it. There might not be an option for negotiations or second chances. And that truly sucks ass. I am learning to roll with the proverbial punches.

But what really angers me about being an adult is the times when I can't have my cake and eat it too. (An analogy that I never truly understood the orgination of . . . but I digress) Now I have to make decisions that I don't want to make. I can't run away, I have to face those facts of life. And I have to face them sometimes without the support or wisdom of any other person. Never before have I appreciated my mother more than I do now.

pffft . . . usually I am full of words . . . and right now I can't make them form coherant sentences.