There are times when I don't think of myself, although they do not occur often. There are times when I put others first, although the instances are few and far between. Generally I have noticed that when I look out for someone other than myself (children not included as they obviously cannot always fend for temselves) I get raked over the coals. And unfortunately in an effort to prevent that from happening I have made life less than pleasant for others.
There is one thing, and only one thing that allows me leave from conscious thought . . . I bet you can guess what it is :)
I went skating at the UP Center. I just put my iPod on shuffle and started skating around the halls. I think what I love about skating the most is there is absolutely no way that I can think about ANYTHING besides skating when I am doing it. It becomes the one and only thing on my mind. It's kind of like meditating, at least how I would imagine meditating. Listening to the sound of my wheels on the surface, practicing sticky 8s, seeing how far I can coast, etc.
I get so . . . zen . . . when I skate. Even when I am skating at a fever pitch to get all my laps in and my thighs are screaming and my side is aching, it's great.
I feel like such a nerd. I am a derby geek.
You know how sometimes you date those guys who would rather play video games than do something with you . . . well I identify with them now. In sort of a way. I am willing to give up family time and friend time (to a point anyway) because with derby, I get just as much back as I give. Always. Everytime. The amount of self-satisfaction I get from derby is directly proportional to the amount of effort I put into it. I skate for 4 hours, I get 4 days of sore hammies. See how that works?! Derby won't leave me, or hurt me (in a BAD way) or let me down.
Is it bad if I want to live my life simply? I want to do what makes me happy, stepping on as few toes in the process as possible. I want to believe that everything happens for a reason; everything including feelings and the craptastic things that happen. I want to believe that the things that happen lead me to or from people as I am supposed to be led. I want to embrace the fact that people, regardless of their awesomeness quotient, will not be able to remain in my life forever. I am growing increasingly comfortable with the idea of letting people out of my life if they have no desire to stay. As stuck up as it sounds (it's true and you know it) most of the time I have enough people making an effort to be in my life that I need not waste my time with those that cannot be bothered. It's wasted time to beg someone to be in your life. So I refuse to. But I think I am getting off topic here.
I want to enjoy the ride with whomever chooses to go with me.
Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.
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