Isolation is . . . horrible. I have watched plenty of TV shows and movies where prisoners have been sent into solitary confinement and I just think to myself, "I would last a few days, TOPS."
I know that this is nothing like solitary confinement. I have TV, internet, a phone, books, etcetera to entertain me. But what entertains me most is human interaction. To bo honest, I have little of substance to say to anyone right now. NOTHING is new with me. Oh, wait, I take that back, I think my left calf has shrunk and my stomach HATES sugar free candy. There, now you know all that is new with me.
Last Thursday two of my girlfriends came out to get me for ladies night. Nearly the entire ride to town was silent. I feel like I have nothing to offer anymore. I sit at home and I obessess about roller derby and working out and the miscarriage. It's driving me insane. But is it? I mean, am I REALLY going insane if I KNOW it?
I am getting really tired of people asking me how I am doing and the only reply I have is, "Things have been worse." Make no mistake, I appreciate the outpouring of support from everyone around me. Things really have been worse. But I still can't shake this unsettled, restless feeling, the NEED for something to take my mind off this particular . . . what is this? IS this going to be two months of hell? Is is going to be through the summer? Is it going to be the whole year? How much should I prepare for? Yes, YES, take it one day at a time. I GET IT. But when your days stretch out so long you just wish you could sleep through it . . . that little bit of advice makes you want to scream.
In ONE stupid instant I lost roller derby.
All I could think about in the hospital, besides derby, was that I was very early in my pregnancy. The doctors, X-ray techs, anesthesiologists were all taking all the necessary precautions.
Five days later I lost the baby.
In the course of that week (I had only found out about being pregnant on the 7th and had miscarried by the 15th) I had grown very excited. Told my boyfriend, my parents, many friends. (I probably wouldn't have told as many people had it not been for the surgery on my ankle.) My boyfriend was already calling it "Lil Bugger" and I was browsing baby books with my mom. But I found myself in the ER for the second time in a week. This time the doctor telling me that my uterus was empty. That was EXACTLY what he said to me.
Empty uterus.
Empty.
Five minutes later the nurse blathered on and on about how easy it is to get pregnant again. She told me her story of miscarriage. I was numb. I was neither angry with her for discussing it, nor was I hopeful. I wanted her to go away. I wanted everything to go the FUCK away.
Now I had lost a baby and roller derby.
And while I have truly amazing parents, incredible friends and an amazingly supportive boyfriend, all I could think about was what I didn't have. Even though this might be the most depressed I have ever felt (besides the teenage years, but does anything ever compare to those?!) things still have been worse.
I am trying to focus on the positive. It's a struggle though. Will's return is still 10 weeks away. I won't be able to get back on skates until early August probably, if that even. I know that the solitude out here, the quiet of a small town is just allowing me to think too much.
When people comment on how well I am coping, I point out that with my luck I can't really afford to dwell. I need to mentally prepare for the next unfortunate event. I say it in a joking way. It's true though, and I mean that in a fairly light-hearted way.
This one is hard though. I can't even verbalize it. This is my pity party. (Jackie, if you read this, I promise to only have one.)
I was trying to explain to one of my friends the other day, after telling him how much it sucks to hear people say "It could be worse", that I would have no trouble coping if it was one thing. If I could say, at least the baby is okay or at least I have Will at home to help. But no. I put on a brave face and a smile.
Most people are not equipped for the real answer to the question "How's it going?"
Everyone expects the standard "fine" or "good". Ergh. I am bugging myself. This is written so terribly, stupid damn drugs. Can't read without getting dizzy. Can form coherant sentences most of the time.
Time for more Sudoku I guess. Maybe some knitting.
**Please don't misunderstand. Please don't think it bothers me when you ask how I am. Just know that I really appreciate it, I just don't want to actually get into it. I just want to get better and eventually get back to being myself as you know me.
***I can also say I have grown so much closer to my mother. She held me while I cried in the ER, she held my hand, she read to me. She cooks and cleans for me. She helps me bathe. That woman is an angel on Earth. I could never dream up a proper thank you.
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