Yesterday at work I bawled my eyes out in the managers office because I am terrified I will forget what your laugh sounded like. So I try to think of it as often as possible. Do you know how many times I think about your laugh in one day?! Do you know how much I think about our Winnipeg trip with your mom and your brother? You know, the one where she caught us smoking in the mall, and the pool area if I recall correctly.
Do you know how often I think of the time we were skipping class (you for the first time) and we just sat in the bathrooms at the sports arena because we really didn't have anywhere to go? I miss you with all my heart.
Do you know how often I remember that time you jumped into traffic on 4th street to get someone to jump my mom's old car so Derek could drive us around? I can still faintly hear you playing piano. It wrecks me.
You were truly one of the most amazing people I ever had the luck of meeting. I have not met many people since who were as selfless as you, as positive as you were. Such a small person with such a big heart. I try very hard to celebrate what you have brought to my life rather than mourning your loss.
It is a daily struggle.
I found all our notes from high school right after your funeral. One year later, and I still can't read them all. I find it difficult to put into words what a profound effect you have had on me. I don't know what words could possibly do your memory justice.
Every single time I see Andy drinking a Mt. Dew, I think of you. Every single time, without fail. We used to drink entire cases of that during sleepovers and drive my mother nuts. Although I suspect she was more irritated we smoked with the windows of my room wide open in the middle of the winter.
There is a little bit of you in everyday. I am thankful for that. I need you with me now, as I did then, even if it's only in my heart.
I love you.
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