Gotta get gone.

Eep.

I got drafted.

I am now on Battlescar Galactica for FM Derby Girls.

Things are moving at a breakneck pace and I can hardly catch my breath.


There is only one place I need to go . . . the pivot line.

See you on the track.

We are all just a work in progess

When I was younger I often got parts in the school play solely because I speak clearly and loudly. I can project well. I read in church from time to time, etc. Back then I used to think I wanted to be an actress. If only I could act . . .

Or can I?

It occurs to me that I often act like I know what I want. This is, of course, before I find out whatever it is that I seek actually entails. I have never been very good about doing my homework :/

I am a procrastinator, a gun-jumper, a fly-by-the-seat-of-her-pants kinda girl. And now that I am fully grasping the magnitude of my derby committment I am freaking out. It seems that committment in general might just freak me out. The only thing I have ever fully committed to by my own will was college. And admittedly, I faltered once or twice. But I made it nonetheless.

Typically I run scared. If I think I am going to fail at something, I hightail it in the other direction. I abandon all hope, often before hope is lost. This habit usually leaves ME feeling lost.

So, on a whim, in search of something active and social and not centered upon drinking I attended my first FM Derby Girls practice in late November of 2009. Couldn't skate to save my life, got nervous as hell when I felt I was going to fast. I thought that if I kept going and learned how to skate, everything would be just peachy.

Now, I know how to skate. But everything is not yet to the peachiness I need. I have been watching documentaries on roller derby and I am scared shitless. I wonder if I will ever reach the level of "greatness", if you will, to be the type of derby girl I want to be. Sure, determination is a large part of it. And I think I have enough of that. Skill is very important, and that obviously can be learned for the most part. What worries me is can I learn to have a brain for derby? Do I have the attention span and know-how to learn the strategy?

(Do I worry too much??)

The time committment alone worries me a little. I mean, practice three times a week plus open skate on Mondays to get my ankle strength back up. Ergh. I don't want to quit, I don't want to let anyone down. I have let too many people down in the past, including myself. I have to stay committed to this. I will stick with it.

Is what I have to offer good enough?

I don't need an ego stroke, but I can't think of many instances where I felt that what I had to offer was good enough. There is ALWAYS room for improvement. There is ALWAYS something better. I am replaceable. Someone will be there waiting to take my place.

I suppose there is nothing to be done about that really. All I can do is work on it. Constantly. Remind myself that there is always something to do better. Accept the constructive criticism, ASK for it if necessary.

I get too far into my own head sometimes.